Going back and moving forward.

A trip to the movies is usually pretty simple.

You pick the flick, grab your tickets and refreshments and lose yourself in another world with different problems.

Going to the movies has been one of my favorite things to do for as long as I can remember. It was kind of like playing dress up without the effort - you just have to let your mind wander.

Three weeks ago, I sat in a movie theater.. excited to see the "it" movie of the summer. And I loved it. Couldn't wait to see it again.

Then Aurora happened. And it wasn't just the fear of having it happen all over again, but the pain of losing someone in a place that should have been safe and knowing that a movie theater is the last thing my best friend Jessica saw.

I told myself I would go back to the movies.. eventually. Three weeks later, I found myself walking into a movie theater of my own accord. Sure, I was encouraged to go.. but in the end, it was ultimately my decision.

I knew it would be like ripping the Band-Aid off a fresh wound. And it's definitely fresh. Just when things seemed to be getting easier, I was completely blindsided Saturday at a baseball game. I heard one of the songs I will always associate with Jess - "Chelsea Dagger". I went from excitement to tears in just seconds. Walking into a movie theater couldn't be any better.

Still, I bought my ticket and stepped through the doors of theater 9. Yes, the same theater number Jess was in - an irony not lost on me. My friend Monica was brave enough to go with me, knowing exactly what she might have to deal with.

I could feel the blood drain from my face when I saw the seats. I completely broke down.

Monica promised I would be okay, promised she would take care of me. She even offered to leave.

No. I couldn't do that either. I found myself eyeing the emergency exit, not out of fear.. just pain. That stinging reminder of what should have been safe.

I stayed in theater 9. I flinched when gunshots went off in the production company's intro and immediately looked right at the exit.. trying to convince myself it wasn't happening again. And it wasn't. It was all in my head. I watched "The Campaign", because I knew my first movie had to be something funny.

And I was okay. I got through my first movie - and in doing so, won my first battle with my grief and the gunman. I hope everyone who is going through what I am - loss, grief, anger, heartbreak - I hope all of you find the strength to go back to the movies. Because it's what you love to do.

As I've told myself every day for 23 days now.. I cannot let him win. He's taken enough from me already, I can't let him take more of the things that give me joy.

That's not how Jess would want me to live. 

And that's the point. I have to live. That means getting out of my bubble that I sometimes find myself wanting to create, because it's safe and I can hide and I can hurt without getting hurt. But that's not living.

One of the reasons Jess and I got along so well was because I understood her thirst for life. I'm much more grounded and Type-A, but Jess could talk me into almost anything because I wanted so badly to get out of my shell. 

I'm sure the term "my shell" makes those of you who really know me laugh, seeing as I have a pretty loud personality. But I've felt that part of me grow quiet since Jessi's death. And I have to bring that Emily back out, because that's who Jessi loved. That's who my friends and family love.

And thank God, because I'm still here. Alive. Living.

#ily

Ramblings.

I have a heart the size of Texas.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. When I love, I love like no other... and when I hurt, I feel it all over.

It's been just over two weeks since Jessi left this earth. And while most of the time I can take comfort knowing that she's got bigger, better things to do up there, it physically hurts to know I can't pick up the phone and call her right now.

That Friday - one of the darkest, emptiest days of my life - I remember saying that it would happen again. And this time it wouldn't be me hurting, but someone else. Unfortunately, I was right - and wrong.

Someone decided to open fire in a Sikh temple today (Sunday). In the end, seven lives were lost, including the gunman. Hundreds more were ripped apart. Another act of senseless violence, more blood spilled for absolutely nothing. I didn't want to be right... but I knew I would be.

And yes, I was wrong. While I didn't know anyone in the temple, the pain is still just as real. My pain in losing Jess is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The feeling that someone you love could be taken in an instant by someone trying to play God.. it's horrible. And even that is the understatement of the year. Today, I felt it wash over me again.

For every innocent person taken in that temple, someone lost their son. Daughter. Brother. Sister. Cousin. Parent. Best friend.

It's a feeling I know well. I'm learning to cope - keeping busy, avoiding my usual habit of watching the wires for the latest updates.. because the truth is I don't need to know. I know more than enough in this case. And the more I learn, the more I hurt. And just because everyone says I'm strong, it doesn't mean my heart doesn't have a limit.

What I wouldn't give to hear Jessi's voice right now, telling me that there's still good left in the world and that I'm going to be okay. That I have so much left to do - even if I don't know what that is.

Some days are easier than others. I have an amazing network of support - one that I didn't know really existed until I needed it. I can only hope that means I've touched at least half the lives I know Jess did in her short time here.

I recently decided it's "the bigger the heart, the harder the fall." What matters is whether you know how to pick yourself back up. My heart was broken into a million pieces.. now I'm just trying to pick them back up. It's a big task and God knows I'm trying - thankfully, I've got some help.

And no matter what happens, we all just have to brush ourselves off and keep going. Life really is short. I just have to get up, get out and live it.

#ily

Jessi

For Jessica (Redfield) Ghawi and me, it all started and (sort of) ended on Twitter.

I remember the first time I ever heard about the new redheaded *female* intern on Ticket 760. "Wait, a girl?!?!? We must be friends."

And more than two years later, I'm lucky enough to be able to say I called Jessi my friend. But in the end, she was more than that. She was my confidante, the one I could call at 3am, my possibly future bridesmaid, my sister, and my best friend.

That's why everything that unfolded in that Aurora, CO movie theater on July 20, 2012 has changed my life forever.

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I can't remember if Jessi and I ever talked about the new Batman flick. I'm pretty sure if we'd been in the same time zone, we would have been tweeting each other leading up to midnight - but by the time Jessi's movie started, I was 2 hours into the flick.

I loved "Dark Knight Rises". I'd been counting the days to the premiere and was far from disappointed with the end result. I even tweeted about it. When I left the theater in South Bend, I wasn't really tired yet so I headed home to watch TV before I fell asleep. 

I saw the news of the Colorado shootings online before I crashed around 4:30, 5am Eastern time. It didn't click that Jess could be there. What were the odds?

I knew something was strange when I woke up around 9:30am - I'd planned to sleep until noon. That's when I saw the flood of messages from people offering their condolences and asking if I needed anything.

I'll be honest. I had no idea what they were talking about until I opened my Twitter timeline. And then it hit me.

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First, I thought everyone had to be mistaken. Then I tried to tell myself she was just hurt.. Jess had gotten out of things before - take the Toronto mall shooting in June. She had called me right after that. I just told myself she had to be okay.

I can't put into words what happened to me when I realized it was true. My best friend was dead - taken from the world in a senseless act of violence that I will never be able to rationalize. My beautiful, bright, fiery, funny and talented Jessica was gone.. and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.

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It's amazing how many little things have come flooding back to me since the news broke. I've been so out of it that I couldn't remember where my light switch was or find the energy to get myself going, but details of my short but sweet time with Jessi have resurfaced.

There was the time she fell on her crutches at the movie theater. Or when she accidentally put the wrong soap in the dishwasher. Or got stuck in the elevator. Or tripped on the door stop in the University of Michigan locker room. Or didn't have the mic turned on when she was co-hosting the SA Rampage game. Or the morning after the Blackhawks' big win over the Canucks, when we jumped on the beds in our downtown Chicago hotel room with "Chelsea Dagger" blaring.

There's the look on Jessi's face on her first time looking out into the Big House/Michigan Stadium. Or when she ran onto the wet field and I begged her not to slip and fall. The Jessi that convinced me that yes, we should take that limo in downtown Chicago. Or the giddy text I got when she found out she was getting her custom hockey skates. Or the shock when she was recognized in Ann Arbor for this little gem of a video, which you should watch - if you have not already.

She would ask for a "little calming Emily wisdom", or write "I miss yo face" on my Facebook wall. Jess loved to tell me about her sports adventures and brushes with fame. The girl was destined to be famous - I kept her as "Jessica Redfield" in my phone, mainly because that's the name she was to the world - the one that she would have when she made it big.

I always knew the entire world would know her one day.

__________________________________________________

"ND-Mich tix on sale tomorrow - $83 apiece"

That's the last text message I ever sent Jessi. It seems my response to her reply didn't go though; something I learned to my dismay Friday morning, just minutes after learning of her death.

Jess and I talked almost everyday this week - except Thursday, the last full day of her life. I can't help but want to kick myself for not telling her I loved her one last time, just to make sure she knew. I think she did. And I think she loved me.

I've found several pictures/texts in my phone that just illustrate our ridiculously wonderful relationship - some I've shared throughout this post. I'd forgotten about this one until late Friday night. This is a picture of us from our trip to Ann Arbor for the Michigan - ND game last September. Jessi sent me the edited version you see below a while back when I'd had a rough week, just to make me smile.

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Jessi, sometimes I still feel like you're right next to me. Last night, my friends took me out to get my mind off of things - I even pulled out my phone to text you and tell you all about it. Then I remembered that you wouldn't answer. That was hard.

Right now, my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, but I know it will get easier. Riding back from Chicago and remembering our South Shore ride or the lengthy text message conversation I had with you on the Amtrak won't be so painful. I know that one day, reading our text message conversations and looking through photos won't bring me to at least the edge of tears every time - but make me smile because I was lucky enough to have you in my life.

I'm so thankful the world is getting to know your smile, your story and just how amazing you were. The last thing I want is for you to be just another name in a story. I want everyone to know the light you were in this world - that's why I agreed to do several media interviews. Yes, for all the times I told you that you wouldn't catch me on TV, just behind the camera.. but I went on camera just for you.

I don't know how old I'll live to be.. but part of me hopes I'm around for a long time so I can do all the things we wanted to do. I'm not done keeping people on their toes, or raising hell. We did that so well together, and I know you will be with me the whole time from now on.

This isn't the end of our story. It's not goodbye, it's see you soon. You will always be my best friend, and you will *always* make me smile. ily.

Starting over. Again.

I seem to have serious issues. With blogging. And then some. I can't seem to stay on the wagon. 

I'm giving this another go, only because a select few people have asked me to do so. I'll be honest, I'm slightly afraid of disappointing them - only because I'm not sure I'll have anything to say that's truly worth reading.

A lot has changed in my life since my last blog in September 2011. I've moved into a new apartment, become a full-time news producer (no more associate producing!) and taken on "a tad" more responsibility at work. I'm also a few weeks' shy of my 1-year producing anniversary and just over two months' shy of my 24th birthday.

I've found myself thinking about the latter quite a bit lately. Not that 24 is anything spectacular or earth-shattering, but I just can't exactly wrap my mind around all the things that have changed in the last few years. 

As of the last two weeks, not one, but two of my college friends are now engaged... while I've yet to find anything that resembles a relationship. It almost makes me feel like I'm behind the curve, but I know that's not true. It's just weird to think that we're actually adults. When did that happen?

I'm pretty sure it was just yesterday that I was filling out college applications and that my biggest problems were studying for a pre-calculus test and making sure I could drive stick. Now, it all seems ridiculous.

So instead of picking out prom dresses, we seem to have moved on to wedding dresses. And I'm really not sure what make of it.

Life. Adulthood. Craziness.

10 years later

I was obsessed with the news on September 11, 2001.

Little did I know that 10 years later I would be writing the news on September 11, 2011.

On that day in 2001, I was still deciding between marine biology and emergency pediatrics as potential careers. Katie Couric and Matt Lauer were just that funny pair on the Today show and the World Trade Center was still on my list of landmarks to visit whenever I made it back to the Big Apple.

It would be another six years before I set foot in NYC.

That's what ground zero looked like in December 2007. Nothing like the grand skyscrapers I remembered passing as a young child. Less like the rubble pile I remembered seeing on television for the latter half of 2001 and beyond.

An announcement over the loudspeaker during my second period math class asking teachers to turn off TV's and radio caught everyone off guard.. until one of the kids spoke up and said a small plane had hit the World Trade Center. I still couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong.

My friends and I made our regular stop at our old science teacher's classroom that morning, only to have him tell us to come in and shut the door. And that's when I watched the south tower of the World Trade Center collapse on live television.

There isn't much that will ever take my breath away in this lifetime as everything did in that single moment.

I was barely 13 years old. My mind took off in a million different directions immediately.. wondering if my mom was going to be okay in the medical center.. if my dad was going to be stuck on the Air Force base.. or even called back to the military just a few short years after getting out. It seems a little crazy now, but we'd never dealt with anything like this. I just didn't know.

Both of my parents were waiting in the parking lot to pick me up from school that day. I just remember running to them and bursting into tears, knowing I was so lucky to have both of my parents there.. while hundreds of kids just lost theirs.

I grew up in the military. I knew what it was like to watch my friends' parents leave for overseas assignments. I was also lucky enough to spend the earliest part of my childhood in a more peaceful time, so the fear wasn't really there. Then I heard the stories from friends on my last military base.. stories of the base shutting down, all of the kids in school off base being loaded on buses immediately and taken home.. not knowing what would happen next.

It really comes down to the fear of not knowing. And the anger that built within because someone had the guts to get on an airplane and help end thousands of lives.

I still remember listening to then-First Lady Laura Bush address the children in America.. and realizing then that things would be okay.

The scars of 9/11/01 are still there.. and I will probably never be able to watch footage from that day without breaking down. It will still feel like yesterday when I see it in a history book twenty years from now. It was a defining moment for several generations.. one that falls in the same league as Pearl Harbor and the Kennedy assassination.

The moment that serves as a black eye, but doesn't have to be a final blow. Thousands died, but our nation still prevailed.
So here I am 10 years later.. the world has changed, but that day is still fresh on my mind and my heart. I don't just watch the news - I write it, and I remember that there are thousands of men and women who fight to make sure I have the right to do so.. because freedom isn't free.

If a picture's worth a thousand words..

Then here's my Saturday.

Leave all your love and your lovin' behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

Remember what life was like when you were in your early 20s? I'm not sure how old each of you reading actually are, so please don't take that question in a condescending or rude tone. I'm being completely serious.

Do you remember how you felt about life? Was it full of endless possibilities? Did you always feel confident? Or was there still a twinge of the awkwardness and self-doubt leftover from your teenage years? Because I've got to be honest. I still don't feel like I've got this "growing up" thing down.

Apparently these are supposed to be the best years of my life.

Which I find particularly funny, seeing as I feel like nothing in my life is concrete or settled. Maybe I'm supposed to take solace in the fact that I'm free to do as I like with pretty much nothing holding me back. I never know what tomorrow will bring.. if I'm making the right decisions.. or if I'm really living up to my full potential.

Everyone else seems to have this amazing confidence in me.. and I'm really just not sure where that came from. I'm still trying to find my place in this world.. as cheesy as that sounds. My friend Nicole says I always seem to land on my feet - and yet again, I have no idea how.

Sometimes I'm so type-A that it makes even me crazy. To be honest, I think I'm so concerned with making everyone else happy that I forget about myself.

So.. please help me out. I'm looking for solid advice on getting through your 20s.. because I'm seriously having a love/hate relationship with this whole growing up thing.. and I'm really not sure if I'm doing this right.