Ramblings.

I have a heart the size of Texas.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. When I love, I love like no other... and when I hurt, I feel it all over.

It's been just over two weeks since Jessi left this earth. And while most of the time I can take comfort knowing that she's got bigger, better things to do up there, it physically hurts to know I can't pick up the phone and call her right now.

That Friday - one of the darkest, emptiest days of my life - I remember saying that it would happen again. And this time it wouldn't be me hurting, but someone else. Unfortunately, I was right - and wrong.

Someone decided to open fire in a Sikh temple today (Sunday). In the end, seven lives were lost, including the gunman. Hundreds more were ripped apart. Another act of senseless violence, more blood spilled for absolutely nothing. I didn't want to be right... but I knew I would be.

And yes, I was wrong. While I didn't know anyone in the temple, the pain is still just as real. My pain in losing Jess is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The feeling that someone you love could be taken in an instant by someone trying to play God.. it's horrible. And even that is the understatement of the year. Today, I felt it wash over me again.

For every innocent person taken in that temple, someone lost their son. Daughter. Brother. Sister. Cousin. Parent. Best friend.

It's a feeling I know well. I'm learning to cope - keeping busy, avoiding my usual habit of watching the wires for the latest updates.. because the truth is I don't need to know. I know more than enough in this case. And the more I learn, the more I hurt. And just because everyone says I'm strong, it doesn't mean my heart doesn't have a limit.

What I wouldn't give to hear Jessi's voice right now, telling me that there's still good left in the world and that I'm going to be okay. That I have so much left to do - even if I don't know what that is.

Some days are easier than others. I have an amazing network of support - one that I didn't know really existed until I needed it. I can only hope that means I've touched at least half the lives I know Jess did in her short time here.

I recently decided it's "the bigger the heart, the harder the fall." What matters is whether you know how to pick yourself back up. My heart was broken into a million pieces.. now I'm just trying to pick them back up. It's a big task and God knows I'm trying - thankfully, I've got some help.

And no matter what happens, we all just have to brush ourselves off and keep going. Life really is short. I just have to get up, get out and live it.

#ily