Jessi

For Jessica (Redfield) Ghawi and me, it all started and (sort of) ended on Twitter.

I remember the first time I ever heard about the new redheaded *female* intern on Ticket 760. "Wait, a girl?!?!? We must be friends."

And more than two years later, I'm lucky enough to be able to say I called Jessi my friend. But in the end, she was more than that. She was my confidante, the one I could call at 3am, my possibly future bridesmaid, my sister, and my best friend.

That's why everything that unfolded in that Aurora, CO movie theater on July 20, 2012 has changed my life forever.

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I can't remember if Jessi and I ever talked about the new Batman flick. I'm pretty sure if we'd been in the same time zone, we would have been tweeting each other leading up to midnight - but by the time Jessi's movie started, I was 2 hours into the flick.

I loved "Dark Knight Rises". I'd been counting the days to the premiere and was far from disappointed with the end result. I even tweeted about it. When I left the theater in South Bend, I wasn't really tired yet so I headed home to watch TV before I fell asleep. 

I saw the news of the Colorado shootings online before I crashed around 4:30, 5am Eastern time. It didn't click that Jess could be there. What were the odds?

I knew something was strange when I woke up around 9:30am - I'd planned to sleep until noon. That's when I saw the flood of messages from people offering their condolences and asking if I needed anything.

I'll be honest. I had no idea what they were talking about until I opened my Twitter timeline. And then it hit me.

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First, I thought everyone had to be mistaken. Then I tried to tell myself she was just hurt.. Jess had gotten out of things before - take the Toronto mall shooting in June. She had called me right after that. I just told myself she had to be okay.

I can't put into words what happened to me when I realized it was true. My best friend was dead - taken from the world in a senseless act of violence that I will never be able to rationalize. My beautiful, bright, fiery, funny and talented Jessica was gone.. and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.

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It's amazing how many little things have come flooding back to me since the news broke. I've been so out of it that I couldn't remember where my light switch was or find the energy to get myself going, but details of my short but sweet time with Jessi have resurfaced.

There was the time she fell on her crutches at the movie theater. Or when she accidentally put the wrong soap in the dishwasher. Or got stuck in the elevator. Or tripped on the door stop in the University of Michigan locker room. Or didn't have the mic turned on when she was co-hosting the SA Rampage game. Or the morning after the Blackhawks' big win over the Canucks, when we jumped on the beds in our downtown Chicago hotel room with "Chelsea Dagger" blaring.

There's the look on Jessi's face on her first time looking out into the Big House/Michigan Stadium. Or when she ran onto the wet field and I begged her not to slip and fall. The Jessi that convinced me that yes, we should take that limo in downtown Chicago. Or the giddy text I got when she found out she was getting her custom hockey skates. Or the shock when she was recognized in Ann Arbor for this little gem of a video, which you should watch - if you have not already.

She would ask for a "little calming Emily wisdom", or write "I miss yo face" on my Facebook wall. Jess loved to tell me about her sports adventures and brushes with fame. The girl was destined to be famous - I kept her as "Jessica Redfield" in my phone, mainly because that's the name she was to the world - the one that she would have when she made it big.

I always knew the entire world would know her one day.

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"ND-Mich tix on sale tomorrow - $83 apiece"

That's the last text message I ever sent Jessi. It seems my response to her reply didn't go though; something I learned to my dismay Friday morning, just minutes after learning of her death.

Jess and I talked almost everyday this week - except Thursday, the last full day of her life. I can't help but want to kick myself for not telling her I loved her one last time, just to make sure she knew. I think she did. And I think she loved me.

I've found several pictures/texts in my phone that just illustrate our ridiculously wonderful relationship - some I've shared throughout this post. I'd forgotten about this one until late Friday night. This is a picture of us from our trip to Ann Arbor for the Michigan - ND game last September. Jessi sent me the edited version you see below a while back when I'd had a rough week, just to make me smile.

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Jessi, sometimes I still feel like you're right next to me. Last night, my friends took me out to get my mind off of things - I even pulled out my phone to text you and tell you all about it. Then I remembered that you wouldn't answer. That was hard.

Right now, my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, but I know it will get easier. Riding back from Chicago and remembering our South Shore ride or the lengthy text message conversation I had with you on the Amtrak won't be so painful. I know that one day, reading our text message conversations and looking through photos won't bring me to at least the edge of tears every time - but make me smile because I was lucky enough to have you in my life.

I'm so thankful the world is getting to know your smile, your story and just how amazing you were. The last thing I want is for you to be just another name in a story. I want everyone to know the light you were in this world - that's why I agreed to do several media interviews. Yes, for all the times I told you that you wouldn't catch me on TV, just behind the camera.. but I went on camera just for you.

I don't know how old I'll live to be.. but part of me hopes I'm around for a long time so I can do all the things we wanted to do. I'm not done keeping people on their toes, or raising hell. We did that so well together, and I know you will be with me the whole time from now on.

This isn't the end of our story. It's not goodbye, it's see you soon. You will always be my best friend, and you will *always* make me smile. ily.