Here we go... first blog post of 2013.
And it's almost May. Oops.
I am a terrible blogger; it's a proven fact. But last summer, this blog became just the outlet I needed. A place to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts... and my sometimes bleeding heart.
It's been a long road since July 20, 2012. I've tried to travel it in running shoes, but even I can trip and fall in those. Some days are easy, some are so painful I'd think I'd gone back in time.
One of my best friends from college is getting married this summer. I'm in the wedding, which of course means I have to wear a special dress. I am a) a procrastinator and b) hate dress shopping because I always feel like the ugliest girl in the store.
Unfortunately, I waited until the last second and finally went to the bridal shop this week. I had the dress I wanted in mind, knew what color I wanted, and thought it would be simple. One problem. (Well, the first of several)
I hadn't set foot in this shop since July 20, 2012.
It sounds weird, I know. That happened to be the day my friend Sarah was going wedding dress shopping. I had called out of work (for obvious reasons), and another friend suggested I tag along on the dress search to get my mind off things.
It was okay - I definitely would've enjoyed it more any other day. I had recently said that I thought Jessica would be in my wedding (if by some amazing chance I do get married one day), so I kept thinking of what we'd lost instead of losing myself in the moment for Sarah.
I did a lot of crying in front of that shop that day. I sat in the parking lot and did a phone interview with a reporter from the San Antonio newspaper, I answered a few calls and messages from friends checking on me, and I broke down with my dad on the phone, who had just heard the news after getting off a plane from a business trip.
I didn't tell Sarah what had happened because I didn't want to ruin her day, but I finally just had to excuse myself because I knew I wasn't being fair to her or myself. I still feel bad about that.
Sarah, I'm sorry if I put a serious damper on what should have been an exciting day for you. (If it helps, I am really looking forward to watching you walk down the aisle in the dress you chose later this year.)
Fast forward to this week. I went back inside that shop, braved the brides and prom crowd, as well as my own fears of shopping to find a dress.
Of course, the dress I chose wasn't available in my color or size in time for Maegan's wedding.. and the only ones available were pretty much everything that I had hoped to avoid. I compromised, and picked one out that I have been promised will be in before I have to leave for Texas (barely).
After gulping over the price (which was higher than the dress I went in to buy), I walked out and peeked over at the spot where I'd cried to my dad.
It was strange. Somehow, I felt transported back to that moment... and in another way it seemed like another lifetime.
Just another first of many along the road I've taken since losing Jess.
My best friend Christopher (who is essentially Jess' male counterpart in my life) is convinced we're going to the Big House for the Michigan-Notre Dame game this fall. I haven't been to Ann Arbor since the last ND game there... with one Miss Jessica Redfield/Ghawi.
I keep trying to convince him that it's okay to go without me. I have no idea how I will react walking into that stadium, but part of me says I have to go. I've never been inside without her. And I know if I go she will be there, just in a different way.
So as I sit here, enjoying a cool spring evening on my balcony with a glass of wine and my laptop, I look around at the bright blue sky... listen to the wind chimes and the barking dogs in the distance... and think about how maybe she's just been right here with me all along.
Hope you enjoyed the ramblings - there's always more where that came from.
No comments:
Post a Comment