Seven words with a lot of power. They hang over my head some days, especially when I want to laugh with Jess about something, or just call and cry about the really bad day I've had. Instead, I find myself sitting in my car talking out loud as if she's right next to me and can hear every word I'm saying.
Because I'm convinced Jessica Redfield Ghawi can hear every single word I'm saying... and usually has something to say back.
Right now, I'm sitting in the exact same spot I was one year ago today, when my world was turned upside down.
I woke up to several messages of condolences, and had no idea what they were talking about until I got to one: "I can't believe Jessica was in the theater shooting." I swallowed the scream building in my throat and rushed to get online to see if it was true.
I fell apart, right here on my bed. Just plain lost it, sobbing. The memory is still fresh; I've relived it several mornings since. The feeling in my chest is not one that I imagine will go away anytime soon. Then I have to think about the good times... when my heart was not broken, but full because I knew no matter what ridiculous thing I did, I had Jessica to turn to for a laugh or a shoulder when I needed it.
Like the time she passed out on my couch and insisted it ate her phone charger. I still don't know where that cord is, but she was convinced it was in my apartment. I've moved, and still haven't seen it.
Or laughed at me for reading the 50 Shades of Grey series. And then admitted she'd read them too. We finally agreed we really just wanted to know what the hype was about. (Here's where y'all start laughing, I'm sure.)
When she texted me to say she had Julio's chips in her suitcase and was headed back to Colorado. I asked why she couldn't just bring them to South Bend first, but she told me to get my own. Rude.
One of my favorite memories is our trip to a liquor store in Ann Arbor. We walked in, cowboy boots on, asked to "borrow" several bottles of minis, then stuffed them in our boots and walked around to see if we were comfortable. The guys in the store stopped and watched as we debated over certain bottles and who would walk with what, then proceeded to buy everything we "borrowed".
Here's the outcome of that charade:
The last time I saw Jessica face to face was early the next morning: September 11, 2011. I dropped her off at the Detroit airport after the Michigan-Notre Dame game. It was about 4am, and I had to drive back to South Bend for work. She grabbed her stuff, hugged me, and reminded me we needed to plan my Denver trip.
The one I wanted to take last October, after Frontier Airlines launched a non-stop flight between South Bend and Denver. Of course, Aurora happened in July, I never made it to Denver, and earlier this week, Frontier announced it will end its nonstop SBN-DIA flight this September. It kind of stung to hear the news; just something else I was supposed to do that I won't in the wake of her death.
So today, I'm asking you to do two things. Not a lot of effort required, but both can have a lot of impact. First, take a picture of yourself wearing a fake/finger/real mustache and send it to @Mustaches4Jessi or share it on our Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/MustachesForJessi
I launched the project to celebrate her 25th birthday, but I would love the smiles today. I think all of us on #teamjessi would.
And there are many of us hurting. To Sandy & Lonnie, Jordan, Jay, Brent, Bridget, Linda, Peter & Lauren, Nate, Jennifer & Mike, Tony, Christian, Danielle, Ashley, Jessica, Leslie, Darrel, Larry, and anyone else I may not have named: you have become my second family through all of this. Some I know better than others, but it's our love for Jess that brings us closer and helps get me through some of the really, really hard times... and even helps create some great memories. Thank you for everything you've done for me.
My last small request: call your best friend and tell him/her you love them. Because as my beautiful, crazy, redheaded best friend wrote just days before her death:
"I was reminded that we don’t know when or where our time on Earth will end. When or where we will breathe our last breath. For one man, it was in the middle of a busy food court on a Saturday evening.
I say all the time that every moment we have to live our life is a blessing. So often I have found myself taking it for granted. Every hug from a family member. Every laugh we share with friends. Even the times of solitude are all blessings. Every second of every day is a gift. After Saturday evening, I know I truly understand how blessed I am for each second I am given."
As much as I miss her, I can't hug her. But I tell her I love her all the time, because I've never said "goodbye", just "see you soon"... whenever that is. #ily
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