Your 25th birthday has finally arrived - HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I know, it's only 10:51pm Eastern the day before, but I think I can slide being just an hour early since you were born in Michigan. (And by the time I get through this, it will likely be nearly midnight.)
How is it that we've finally reached this milestone?
I've looked forward to and dreaded this day for months. I still remember last November when you were home for Thanksgiving and begged me to come home so I could go roller skating with you. Unfortunately, I had to stay in South Bend and work. I wish I could've flown home.. even just to skate (and fall) with you for an hour or two.
Jess, I've tried so hard to be strong over the last few months. Sometimes I'm just not sure how a 24-year-old is supposed to handle something like this. So tell me, "Mom", you're the older one in this relationship - how am I supposed to get through losing my best friend?
There are days when I feel like I can take on the world.. and others where all I want to do is curl up and cry because I can't call you. Overall, it's getting easier, but I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. No one understands my breakdowns and ridiculous moments quite like you.
This was supposed to be our year. The year where we stood up and ran things like we owned them - showed the world that we are as good as we think we are. The year that we start to really earn -- and get everything we wanted. We worked so hard to get to this point. And now I'm trying to keep going, because I know I have to do it.
I've busted my backside to prove I can do the job I have. Some days I feel amazing, and then there are others where I'm pretty sure I fall flat on my face.
But I did it, Jess - I won my first Emmy. I called my parents from the ceremony and as soon as I hung up, I called your mom and proceeded to cry over the phone. It was like sharing the moment with you. She was so proud; she reminded me you're proud of me too. That meant the world to me.
I launched this pretty cool project for your birthday. I just wanted to celebrate the beautiful gift that you were to the world - because you are far more than what happened in the moment that you left it. And it's turned out pretty well so far.. even Michelle Beadle took a picture for you! You have J.C. to thank for that, not me - but it doesn't mean I'm any less excited over the addition.
As the clock ticks down to your actual birthday, I can't help but wonder what we would've been doing right now. Would I have come to Denver to see you? Or would we be laughing over something silly on the phone? Or talking about how ridiculous this NHL lockout nonsense and how you're distraught over Notre Dame being number one? (By the way, I still have not worn any Irish gear, thank you)
Things are changing.. I've learned to dance to "Chelsea Dagger" again. I've gone back to the movies twice. I've taken on my one-hour show at work (even though it's proving to be a challenge). I don't have to cry every time I see your picture.
That doesn't mean I don't feel the pain. I still spend time looking through our photos. I listen to the videos of you on my phone just so I can hear your voice one more time. I can spend hours reading your texts, just so I can laugh and see where you said "I love you."
It's been a whole half hour since I started this and I've laughed, I've cried.. sounds like a typical conversation with you. I miss those. I know I'll get to have them again, but it's not time yet.
Thanks for surrounding yourself with such amazing people while you were here. I feel like you left me a bunch of presents - one named Bridget, one named Linda, another named Danielle.. and the list goes on. They've all been there for me at one time or another.. and I can only hope I've been able to do the same for them.
I know I can't hug you or talk to you face to face, but I know you're here with me in some special way. Sometimes I feel like you're in my car, or standing by me when I get ready in the morning.. or sitting next to me right now on my bed while I write this.
I love you so much. There is so much in my life that I couldn't have done without you - and so much more that I will need you to give me that little push. Thank you for being my best friend and now my guardian angel. Enjoy that big hockey rink in the sky -- and save me a seat in the press box, will you?
Who cares if it's only 11:25pm? Congrats, you get an extra 35 minutes to celebrate on me. Don't say I never gave you anything.
Happy birthday, Jess.
#ily
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