Suck it up, buttercup.

I honestly do not know my own strength.

This isn't to say it's astounding by any means, but I have gotten through more in the last month or so than I could have ever imagined. And maybe it's not really my strength that I'm learning about, but a reminder of God's strength and power at work in my life.

Things are getting ready to change for me at work.. and I'm nervous. This is usually when I would pick up the phone and call Jess so she could reassure me that everything will be fine. 

"No, Emily. You're not going to screw this up."

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

I've not been to church in a while.. not because I've lost faith, but because my schedule wasn't the most accommodating. Yes, it's an excuse. And I'm working on it.

The other night, I found my soul in serious need of spiritual help. I started reading Scripture online - yes, on the internet.. twas a bit surreal - but it helped. The words began to fill the emptiness I've felt for what seems like forever now. 

So I've started reading verses to remind myself that I'm not alone and that God has a plan for me. I'm not sure what that is -- or where I'm going to end up. 


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13


If you know me, you know I am a pro at stressing out. Everyone loves to tell me not to worry about things, just go with it. I think my favorite quote on this is probably from Mac.

"Emily, telling you not to worry is like telling an ocean not to crash against the shore."

I want so badly to do what I can and do it well. I try to think about the fact that I've now been in South Bend for a year and a half.. and not only am I producing, but I have been given more responsibility. That has to mean they trust me and that I don't completely suck, right?

This big shift at work has me waking up in the middle of the night - at least once in a cold sweat. I've always said that I'm in a constant state of prayer, whether it be praying my lead story makes the top of my show or that I can avoid sticking my foot in my mouth on a daily basis.

"Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in me."
John 14:1

For all my stressing, I know things are looking up. My pain is still there and I have my moments, but there are more good days than bad days. I know my favorite ginger is here, she's got my back. And lucky me, she brought some amazing people into my life right when I needed them.

I know she'll be in that control room with me when the time comes, pushing me to "suck it up, buttercup. Deal with it." And reminding me not to worry, because I'm not going to screw this up.

So I keep going.

I went back to the ballpark today - only to hear "Chelsea Dagger" again. But this time, I sang along with a smile on my face.

Going back and moving forward.

A trip to the movies is usually pretty simple.

You pick the flick, grab your tickets and refreshments and lose yourself in another world with different problems.

Going to the movies has been one of my favorite things to do for as long as I can remember. It was kind of like playing dress up without the effort - you just have to let your mind wander.

Three weeks ago, I sat in a movie theater.. excited to see the "it" movie of the summer. And I loved it. Couldn't wait to see it again.

Then Aurora happened. And it wasn't just the fear of having it happen all over again, but the pain of losing someone in a place that should have been safe and knowing that a movie theater is the last thing my best friend Jessica saw.

I told myself I would go back to the movies.. eventually. Three weeks later, I found myself walking into a movie theater of my own accord. Sure, I was encouraged to go.. but in the end, it was ultimately my decision.

I knew it would be like ripping the Band-Aid off a fresh wound. And it's definitely fresh. Just when things seemed to be getting easier, I was completely blindsided Saturday at a baseball game. I heard one of the songs I will always associate with Jess - "Chelsea Dagger". I went from excitement to tears in just seconds. Walking into a movie theater couldn't be any better.

Still, I bought my ticket and stepped through the doors of theater 9. Yes, the same theater number Jess was in - an irony not lost on me. My friend Monica was brave enough to go with me, knowing exactly what she might have to deal with.

I could feel the blood drain from my face when I saw the seats. I completely broke down.

Monica promised I would be okay, promised she would take care of me. She even offered to leave.

No. I couldn't do that either. I found myself eyeing the emergency exit, not out of fear.. just pain. That stinging reminder of what should have been safe.

I stayed in theater 9. I flinched when gunshots went off in the production company's intro and immediately looked right at the exit.. trying to convince myself it wasn't happening again. And it wasn't. It was all in my head. I watched "The Campaign", because I knew my first movie had to be something funny.

And I was okay. I got through my first movie - and in doing so, won my first battle with my grief and the gunman. I hope everyone who is going through what I am - loss, grief, anger, heartbreak - I hope all of you find the strength to go back to the movies. Because it's what you love to do.

As I've told myself every day for 23 days now.. I cannot let him win. He's taken enough from me already, I can't let him take more of the things that give me joy.

That's not how Jess would want me to live. 

And that's the point. I have to live. That means getting out of my bubble that I sometimes find myself wanting to create, because it's safe and I can hide and I can hurt without getting hurt. But that's not living.

One of the reasons Jess and I got along so well was because I understood her thirst for life. I'm much more grounded and Type-A, but Jess could talk me into almost anything because I wanted so badly to get out of my shell. 

I'm sure the term "my shell" makes those of you who really know me laugh, seeing as I have a pretty loud personality. But I've felt that part of me grow quiet since Jessi's death. And I have to bring that Emily back out, because that's who Jessi loved. That's who my friends and family love.

And thank God, because I'm still here. Alive. Living.

#ily

Ramblings.

I have a heart the size of Texas.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. When I love, I love like no other... and when I hurt, I feel it all over.

It's been just over two weeks since Jessi left this earth. And while most of the time I can take comfort knowing that she's got bigger, better things to do up there, it physically hurts to know I can't pick up the phone and call her right now.

That Friday - one of the darkest, emptiest days of my life - I remember saying that it would happen again. And this time it wouldn't be me hurting, but someone else. Unfortunately, I was right - and wrong.

Someone decided to open fire in a Sikh temple today (Sunday). In the end, seven lives were lost, including the gunman. Hundreds more were ripped apart. Another act of senseless violence, more blood spilled for absolutely nothing. I didn't want to be right... but I knew I would be.

And yes, I was wrong. While I didn't know anyone in the temple, the pain is still just as real. My pain in losing Jess is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The feeling that someone you love could be taken in an instant by someone trying to play God.. it's horrible. And even that is the understatement of the year. Today, I felt it wash over me again.

For every innocent person taken in that temple, someone lost their son. Daughter. Brother. Sister. Cousin. Parent. Best friend.

It's a feeling I know well. I'm learning to cope - keeping busy, avoiding my usual habit of watching the wires for the latest updates.. because the truth is I don't need to know. I know more than enough in this case. And the more I learn, the more I hurt. And just because everyone says I'm strong, it doesn't mean my heart doesn't have a limit.

What I wouldn't give to hear Jessi's voice right now, telling me that there's still good left in the world and that I'm going to be okay. That I have so much left to do - even if I don't know what that is.

Some days are easier than others. I have an amazing network of support - one that I didn't know really existed until I needed it. I can only hope that means I've touched at least half the lives I know Jess did in her short time here.

I recently decided it's "the bigger the heart, the harder the fall." What matters is whether you know how to pick yourself back up. My heart was broken into a million pieces.. now I'm just trying to pick them back up. It's a big task and God knows I'm trying - thankfully, I've got some help.

And no matter what happens, we all just have to brush ourselves off and keep going. Life really is short. I just have to get up, get out and live it.

#ily