Seeing green, gold, blue, maize and red.

It happened.

Last night, I went to my first game inside Notre Dame Stadium. The same game that would become the last thing Jess and I would ever talk about.

And nearly two months after that conversation, I'm finally feeling some of the peace I've been waiting for.
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"If you're originally from Texas, how the heck did you get to be a Michigan fan?"

"That's a long story."

If you're reading this, you know most of the story already. Honestly, I liked Michigan before I met Jess. I got a chance to sing in Ann Arbor about five years ago and loved it. I remember being disappointed that I didn't get a chance to go inside the Big House, but I knew I'd be back.

Thanks to one crazy redhead, I've been back. Twice.
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It was always the plan - she would come back and stay with me in South Bend so we could go to the game. The day she died, I realized it was just one of the many plans that I would have to carry on myself.

Thankfully, I started twisting my general manager's arm for tickets back in April or May.

He gave me a pair on Monday. Yes, I started crying. To be honest, I'm not sure if he remembered Jessi before he decided to give me the tickets or not. I'm just thankful he decided to let me have them so I could be there to finish something else we started.
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I tried to take things slow getting ready for the game so I wouldn't overwhelm myself into an emotional frenzy. I had tickets, a mini of Crown (if you knew Jess, you know this was a must) my Michigan gear and finger mustache tattoos. I thought I was ready.

Then our friend Darrel asked me about getting a tattoo/sticker for my cheek like the ones we had last year.

For some reason, I'd decided to stick mine to a bin in my room. Guess what?

I'm wearing the exact same sticker in both photos, one year (and two stadiums) apart.

(more pictures are on the way, will be in a separate post when I get them)              
           
I had a little more of Jess with me than I thought.
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The friend you see with me in the first photo is my co-worker Heather. I invited her to take the other ticket after our (mine and Jessi's) friend Larry was unable to make it up for the game. Heather's a Notre Dame fan, so she was thrilled to step in and take Larry's place, but she's also gotten me through so much this year. I was happy to have her there.

We stopped by our GM's tailgate before the game and things were going great until "If I Die Young" started blaring through the loudspeakers.

I hadn't heard that song since Jess's memorial. So I bolted.

Of course, Heather found me crying - this just two days after she talked me out of my breakdown at work on the two-month anniversary of Jess's death.

The best part? (Yes, there's a good part) It launched one of the best heart-to-hearts I've ever had in my life - right when I needed it.

Heather was one of the only people I told about Jessica's brush with the Eaton Centre shooting - the day it happened. She met Jess once in passing, but she's heard so many of my stories. Just in talking for the two hours leading up to the game, we realized so many little moments and things that just reminded me that Jess is still here - and her spirit isn't going anywhere.
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It turned out our tickets were on the edge of the ND student section.. so guess who took a little verbal harassment for my clothing choice? Thankfully, I'm from Texas and I'm used to taking it and dishing it out. No harm, no foul.

I eventually shared my reasons for being a Michigan fan with those around us - some not in detail, just enough to say that I lost a close friend recently who was a huge Wolverine fan.

That got me a thumbs up from Notre Dame students. Seriously.
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Yes, I watched Michigan lose a tough game to the Irish. Yes, I cheered "Go Blue" and got a few dirty looks and even some "Shut your mouth", but all ended in a smile for one intense northern football rivalry that I've fallen for in the last few years.

I still think Jess had something to do with Everett Golson throwing a pick on his first pass of the game.

But something amazing happened.

I walked out of the stadium feeling more at peace than I have in weeks. Maybe it's because I've stopped stressing about how to get tickets for the game. Or because I was incredibly tired.

I really think Jess is just proud that I was there - that *we* were there.

Just like we'd always planned.

#ily

I sing because I'm happy.

I totally blew an audition today. With a capital B.

For those of you who aren't singers, trust me when I say the National Anthem is a difficult song to sing. 

I had it in my head. I knew the words, knew the right note - and yet I still completely screwed it up. 

Okay, so I'd only decided to audition about 24 hours' prior to the moment I stepped in front of that poor panel of judges and tried to sing.. but this is one of my worst moments. And the only reason I'm sharing my embarrassment and failure with all of you is because it's actually funny.

One of the local radio stations is looking for someone to perform the Anthem before its big concert bash this weekend. I have tickets to said concert and heard about the audition last night.

Now seeing as I believe I was completely overlooked by a certain local baseball team for a shot to perform this past season, I decided to go for this opportunity. No matter that I had a big day ahead already with our new shows (more about that in another post - tomorrow?) or that this is a big emotional day for me - no, I just had to pile on. 

Heck, I can't even remember the last time I had a live audition. And that's saying something, seeing as I have done quite a few in my 24 years on this earth.

I left work with the belief that I wouldn't make it in time to try out. The station was only offering 60 audition spots -- and I was already 45 minutes late. 

Nonetheless, I walked in - picked up my #27 sticker - and prepared to sing a capella as requested. 

There were several kids ahead of me, along with several stage moms. No matter how long I've been away from the audition process, some things never change. I just laughed it off and tried to focus on the notes. 

I've done this before. Auditioning is nothing new, and neither is singing the Anthem. I managed to walk in and belt it -- and it started out fantastic. The judges seemed pleased.

Until I hit the key change. I knew I'd screwed up. I started too high - rookie mistake. Too bad, since I was a rookie about 20 freakin' years ago. 

So I cracked. Not once. No. Twice. And I still smiled. Heck, I wanted to laugh. Those poor, poor judges.

Everything in me said "STOP." But that's not how this works. You just keep going and push through, because the show must go on. I knew what would happen before it happened.

I think I owned the rest of the song. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself I didn't blow it as badly as I might have this time. Hey - at least I got the words right!

The last time I auditioned to sing the Anthem was for that one team - and it was on video. (In ONE take, thank you) Believe it or not, I sent that to Jess after I sent it in for consideration. She said it gave her chills. Let's be honest - today's rendition would've given her the giggles.

Bad moment aside, it really did feel good to really sing again. I haven't done that in ages. To think - I used to spend hours singing in college. And then it all went to the wayside for journalism. Now I don't really talk about it. Yeah, people know I can sing - or they've at least heard the rumor - but it's not a huge part of my life anymore.

I love my job - really, I do. But something tells me it's time to find my voice again. 

I just hope I can leave the cracked notes behind. Ugh.