On my heart, never off my mind

This blog has become an outlet for my pain, my heartache when the reality of the world becomes too much to hold inside. I'm a pretty emotional person, so to say the shootings in Orlando hurt is an understatement.

I doubt that I know anyone in the Orlando club shooting, but I have close friends in the area. I also have a number of LGBT friends. This is close to home.

I really started blogging after my best friend's murder in Aurora nearly four years ago, and in that time, I've written about at least three mass shootings. Those are just the ones I've written about - Sandy Hook was so emotionally draining from working that day that I couldn't write another word about it.

Then I read the death toll this morning. 50 people killed. 50 beautiful, innocent lives, taken in a burst of hate.

We ask "why?" over and over, but the answer has yet to be found. We get sad and angry, but then we forget until the next mass shooting. Trust me - those of us who are unfortunate card carrying members of the "I lost a loved one to gun violence" club, we do not forget.

I feel the pain of my own loss every time I see, write, or hear "mass shooting." My heart breaks for the families waiting to learn the worst, and the survivors who have to live with this tragedy in their own way. I wish I could say it gets better with time, but I'd have to say it depends on the day.

No one deserves any of this, and surely, we as a nation deserve better.

As I write this, one of my friends in Orlando just marked herself as safe on Facebook. While I'm thankful for her safety and the idea that prevents me from having to worry, I'm just sad this even has to exist.

Orlando, I love you. Your city is home to one of my favorite places to vacation in the world, and it's not lost on me that I was almost there this weekend. Instead, I was at the movies last night with my family - another place I've struggled to feel safe in since Jessica's death.

I'm praying for the city, the families, the friends, the first responders, and those who made it out. I'm also praying for those with hate on their hearts. The ignorance and the violence have to end. We live in what I still believe is the greatest country in the world, but our own hate has become our own undoing.