#dallasstrong

I've always been proud to be from Texas. While I will always call San Antonio home - Dallas has a piece of my heart.

Six years of my life have been spent in north Texas; half on the western side of the Metroplex, the other half on the side where the bright green lights on the Bank of America building are always visible.

(Not long after I moved to Dallas - this is part of the city's BIG campaign)

Thursday.

I didn't know what had happened in downtown right away. It took a message from a friend asking me if I was okay to know that someone was shooting in downtown, just a few miles from me.

My heart sank reading Twitter updates while getting ready for work. I knew it would be a long morning - far from the chaos in downtown, but still crazy. (I've never seen so many people in the newsroom with us all night long.) I couldn't think straight most of the night, but I had a job to do.

My coworkers went on air at 9pm Thursday. We didn't go off the air until 8am the next morning.

Friday.

I had to hold back tears several time at my desk Friday morning, as the number of officers killed continued to go up. I can't unsee the image of an officer face down on the ground, motionless next to a squad car. When we walked out of the control room at 8am, I finally let myself really cry. And that wasn't the last time.

I used to work in downtown Dallas. I walked all over the part of the city that's now a crime scene. The men and women who wear that Dallas Police badge are the same ones who held doors for me, said hello as I crossed the street, drove by and waved. And it broke my heart to hear Chief Brown say how much they needed our support.

I've never been prouder to live here. But I've been fortunate to see the unity and feel the change in the air just driving around. One person inflicted so much pain and heartbreak on us, but I know we will get through it. We're Texans - we're resilient.

And it's been amazing to see how the world is responding - several newsrooms sent my station food. My morning team even got a Starbucks gift card from our counterparts in San Antonio. It's been absolutely incredible.

When I left work, I didn't care that I hadn't slept. I had to do something, so I tried to give blood at city hall. I actually got turned away because the blood drive was almost over, but I did run into a DPD officer. I really wanted to give him a hug, but I made sure to say thank you.

I passed Dallas Police HQ on my way to city hall. This is what I found.

Saturday.

Just driving around downtown earlier reminded me this is still our city. We live here, we work here, we play here - and we love being here. No one can take that away.

It won't be long before downtown is busy again, with the sounds of life moving forward. Our hearts will heal, but they won't forget.

(taken next to DPD headquarters last summer)

#istandwithdallas #dallasstrong

On my heart, never off my mind

This blog has become an outlet for my pain, my heartache when the reality of the world becomes too much to hold inside. I'm a pretty emotional person, so to say the shootings in Orlando hurt is an understatement.

I doubt that I know anyone in the Orlando club shooting, but I have close friends in the area. I also have a number of LGBT friends. This is close to home.

I really started blogging after my best friend's murder in Aurora nearly four years ago, and in that time, I've written about at least three mass shootings. Those are just the ones I've written about - Sandy Hook was so emotionally draining from working that day that I couldn't write another word about it.

Then I read the death toll this morning. 50 people killed. 50 beautiful, innocent lives, taken in a burst of hate.

We ask "why?" over and over, but the answer has yet to be found. We get sad and angry, but then we forget until the next mass shooting. Trust me - those of us who are unfortunate card carrying members of the "I lost a loved one to gun violence" club, we do not forget.

I feel the pain of my own loss every time I see, write, or hear "mass shooting." My heart breaks for the families waiting to learn the worst, and the survivors who have to live with this tragedy in their own way. I wish I could say it gets better with time, but I'd have to say it depends on the day.

No one deserves any of this, and surely, we as a nation deserve better.

As I write this, one of my friends in Orlando just marked herself as safe on Facebook. While I'm thankful for her safety and the idea that prevents me from having to worry, I'm just sad this even has to exist.

Orlando, I love you. Your city is home to one of my favorite places to vacation in the world, and it's not lost on me that I was almost there this weekend. Instead, I was at the movies last night with my family - another place I've struggled to feel safe in since Jessica's death.

I'm praying for the city, the families, the friends, the first responders, and those who made it out. I'm also praying for those with hate on their hearts. The ignorance and the violence have to end. We live in what I still believe is the greatest country in the world, but our own hate has become our own undoing.