A lot about my life has changed drastically in two years.
I have moved across the country, changed jobs, gotten a new car, made the switch from Apple to Android, dated a guy or two, and tried to fill the void left behind by the loss of my best friend.
As I sit here writing at 4am, I can't help but think about the late night phone calls and texts that seemed endless, even though we lived in different time zones. Any time, day or night, I could count on a text about Jess' day or a quick "hello" and "I miss you."
It was a late night moment that changed my life forever when she was killed in that movie theater. To this day, I can pretty much count on one hand the number of times I've been to the movies since then. It's sad; movies were almost a weekly outing when I was in college. Now, I can't help but feel uneasy walking into a theater. I've made myself go anyway, but it's not the same.
So now I find other things to do. And I find new ways to distract myself when I know it's too much to think about. This weekend, I am taking off work and staying out of the house so I can remind myself it's a beautiful July day in Dallas and I should be thankful I am alive and living my life, just like she would want me to do.
But the thought will still be there. In the back of my mind, I will still remember where I was July 20, 2012; crying in my room in South Bend, wondering why she had to go through yet another shooting.. and why this time she wasn't as lucky. Wondering why someone would feel a need to walk into a movie theater and open fire, killing people he'd never met. Telling everyone I would be okay, even when I didn't feel like myself and wasn't sure what I would do next.
I thought she would always be around. We had all of these random plans - trips to Canada, Turks and Caicos, Vegas.. places she loved and wanted to share. We were going to show the world who we were and what we could do; prove that we weren't just little Texas girls with big dreams and zero talent. Now I'm going it alone.
I've lost people in my life before, but this was different. This was so violent and public; so shocking and terrifying. And the people I'd said goodbye to before were important, but they weren't my best friend.
Her death felt like I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. Suddenly I realized nothing is guaranteed.. and the person who knew more about me than 99.9% of the world was gone. Few understand everything about me - my frustrations, my tears, my awkwardness, my jokes, and my personality - but Jessi got it. And I got her.
She still reminds me she's here now and again. I've smelled her perfume out of nowhere, heard songs we shared when I needed them most, and felt that breeze that could pass for a hug. I've seen things that shouldn't make me laugh, but I know we would both crack up over them.. and an eerie calm when I'm in the middle of a breakdown over the problem of the moment.
I'm not sure how two years have really passed; in some ways, it feels like yesterday. In others, it feels like an eternity. Every birthday, every accomplishment, every minor celebration makes me feel like I'm leaving her behind. And I feel guilty for that. Some say I'm really just taking her along with me.
I will never be who I was on July 19, 2012 again. Some things have changed, but part of that Emily has come back. She's a little tougher, a little more compassionate, and a little more jaded. But I can't help but think of the line from "Wicked"... "because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
Two years later, I still call Jess my best friend. That is one thing that will never change.
Should you feel so inclined, please donate to the Jessica Redfield Ghawi Foundation.
#ily
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