Birthday turkey?

My dearest, darling Jess -

For the first time, I'm writing this on your actual birthday.. which is also Thanksgiving Day. Your last two birthdays have been really hard, but I'm feeling pretty hopeful on this one.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I have my family - my brother is home safe from his deployment! - my health, my job, an amazing amount of people who seem to love me for the ridiculously strange person I am, and this really wonderful angel I know I've had looking out for me. (And given my clumsiness, I know you've been working overtime.. except for that time last week I bit it in the Target parking lot.. and I KNOW you laughed.)

There have been some struggles this year, but I can't help wondering if that's just part of being in your mid-twenties. It makes me a little angry, but mostly sad that I can't really share that with you. We should be laughing, eating turkey AND birthday cake, and roller skating - because that doesn't sound like a disaster waiting to happen.

People are brought into your life for a reason, right? I know you were brought into my life right when I needed you - someone who could remind me of the important things in life.. to laugh, love, and LIVE. It's that tremendous loss that I like to pretend I don't feel because it still hurts.. which is probably why I just burst into tears.

Some things have gotten easier to handle over what has almost become two and a half years. (How is that possible?) I don't cry every time I think about our adventures - in fact, I have listened to "Chelsea Dagger" more than ever this week - and I dance! (Shh.) I can talk about you without needing to break down - most of the time. I usually find myself just talking to you out loud in the car, which means half of Dallas probably thinks I am a crazy person. They might be right. :)

Two years ago, after everything that happened, I started the "Mustaches for Jessi" project to honor you. I tried to start it again this year, but things kind of got away from me. Cue the guilt trip - some best friend I am. I'll try again next year - promise.

While my plate has been full - and I'm sure you know the details - it's not that you haven't been on my heart or my mind. I recently got to meet our pal Tony and his family - it was a fantastic reminder of all of the wonderful moments and people you brought into my life, and for that I am forever thankful.

Enough rambling - I've got to get ready for work, because some things never change! :)

I love you, I miss you... you better be saving that spot for me at the big hockey rink in the sky. I'll bring the Crown... or we can shotgun beers.

Happy 27th birthday, Jess.
ily.

Some things change, others stay the same.

A lot about my life has changed drastically in two years.

I have moved across the country, changed jobs, gotten a new car, made the switch from Apple to Android, dated a guy or two, and tried to fill the void left behind by the loss of my best friend.

As I sit here writing at 4am, I can't help but think about the late night phone calls and texts that seemed endless, even though we lived in different time zones. Any time, day or night, I could count on a text about Jess' day or a quick "hello" and "I miss you."

It was a late night moment that changed my life forever when she was killed in that movie theater. To this day, I can pretty much count on one hand the number of times I've been to the movies since then. It's sad; movies were almost a weekly outing when I was in college. Now, I can't help but feel uneasy walking into a theater. I've made myself go anyway, but it's not the same.

So now I find other things to do. And I find new ways to distract myself when I know it's too much to think about. This weekend, I am taking off work and staying out of the house so I can remind myself it's a beautiful July day in Dallas and I should be thankful I am alive and living my life, just like she would want me to do. 

But the thought will still be there. In the back of my mind, I will still remember where I was July 20, 2012; crying in my room in South Bend, wondering why she had to go through yet another shooting.. and why this time she wasn't as lucky. Wondering why someone would feel a need to walk into a movie theater and open fire, killing people he'd never met. Telling everyone I would be okay, even when I didn't feel like myself and wasn't sure what I would do next.

I thought she would always be around. We had all of these random plans - trips to Canada, Turks and Caicos, Vegas.. places she loved and wanted to share. We were going to show the world who we were and what we could do; prove that we weren't just little Texas girls with big dreams and zero talent. Now I'm going it alone.

I've lost people in my life before, but this was different. This was so violent and public; so shocking and terrifying. And the people I'd said goodbye to before were important, but they weren't my best friend.

Her death felt like I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. Suddenly I realized nothing is guaranteed.. and the person who knew more about me than 99.9% of the world was gone. Few understand everything about me - my frustrations, my tears, my awkwardness, my jokes, and my personality - but Jessi got it. And I got her.

She still reminds me she's here now and again. I've smelled her perfume out of nowhere, heard songs we shared when I needed them most, and felt that breeze that could pass for a hug. I've seen things that shouldn't make me laugh, but I know we would both crack up over them.. and an eerie calm when I'm in the middle of a breakdown over the problem of the moment.

I'm not sure how two years have really passed; in some ways, it feels like yesterday. In others, it feels like an eternity. Every birthday, every accomplishment, every minor celebration makes me feel like I'm leaving her behind. And I feel guilty for that. Some say I'm really just taking her along with me.

I will never be who I was on July 19, 2012 again. Some things have changed, but part of that Emily has come back. She's a little tougher, a little more compassionate, and a little more jaded. But I can't help but think of the line from "Wicked"... "because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Two years later, I still call Jess my best friend. That is one thing that will never change.

Should you feel so inclined, please donate to the Jessica Redfield Ghawi Foundation.

#ily

The new normal.

I live to write and write to live, so sometimes I just have to get everything out of my head and out onto a screen/piece of paper.

My heart is broken, because once again, more families have been forced into the club I was thrown into almost two years ago. It's a group no one wants to be a part of, yet it grows every day.

Another shooting at Fort Hood. I remember the 2009 shooting, because my sorority big sister and her husband were stationed there and I was terrified they might be affected. It was horrifying having to be the one to break the news to her after learning she was safe off post and had no idea what happened. Thankfully, her husband was okay.

Five years later, I've lost someone I love in a mass shooting that made national headlines. I know what it's like to have a piece of your life destroyed and the damage echoed all over TV in the microscope that is the media. And I'm also a part of the media.

Every time I hear "active shooter", I feel sick. I'm thrown back to July 20, 2012 and the pain that has become a regular part of my life since. The feeling of loss, grief, and anger is all too familiar. Working in news just makes it harder, because you can't look away.

On top of that, it hurts to think of a shooting on a military installation. I'm a military brat who spent the first ten years of life on several bases around the U.S. and loved living on them. I always felt safe. When my dad left the military and we moved offbase/back to Texas, it was a bit of a culture shock to live without SPs and security gates.

I feel for all of the families involved in today's tragedy, but the ones I really want to hug are the kids. The children and teens who live on post, who didn't know if their parents were okay.. I want to hug them. I can't imagine how frightening it must be, especially for those who may be aware of the 2009 shooting. I hope they find some peace and security.

I'm also praying; not just for Fort Hood, but for our country. This has to stop. It's ridiculous, senseless, devastating, and just wrong. I can't say I have all the answers to solve the problem, but obviously we're not doing something right.

I would never wish what I've been through on anyone, but with the way things are going, more people are going to understand that heartbreak. This shouldn't be normal, and yet it almost is.